Have you ever lain awake at 2am, replaying a conversation in your head, thinking:
“If only he’d listen to me, things would be better.”
“She wouldn’t struggle so much if she’d just follow my advice.”
If so, you’re not alone — not by a long shot.
So many women find themselves caught in the role of “fixer.” Whether it’s a partner battling addiction, a child making reckless choices, a sibling who’s chronically broke, or a friend whose relationships are always in tatters — we pour our energy, time, and even money into trying to solve their problems.
We call it helping. We believe it’s love.
And while it absolutely comes from love, here’s the truth you might not want to hear:
Trying to fix someone else is a fast track to exhaustion, resentment, and heartbreak.
Why We Try to Fix
Let’s be real: stepping into the fixer role often makes perfect sense.
- It makes us feel useful, needed, even powerful.
- It gives us the illusion we’re preventing disaster.
- It helps us avoid our own uncomfortable feelings (fear, anxiety, guilt).
- We desperately love the person and want them safe and happy.
But despite our best intentions, fixing almost always backfires.
Here’s What It Looks Like
Sarah’s Story: Her partner has a gambling problem. She tracks his spending, hides his cards, and constantly worries. He’s furious, and the debt keeps growing.
Maria’s Story: Her adult daughter keeps losing jobs because of lateness and drama. Maria writes her resumes, coaches her on interviews, and even makes excuses to bosses. Her daughter’s still unemployed.
Jo’s Story: Her brother struggles with drinking. She bails him out of jail, pays his rent, and begs him to quit. He still drinks.
In each case, these women are:
- Pouring energy into someone else’s life
- Carrying responsibility that isn’t theirs
- Becoming emotionally and physically drained
Why Fixing Doesn’t Work
Here’s why fixing rarely leads to real change:
It Removes Natural Consequences
If we keep rescuing someone, they never feel the full weight of their choices. And without consequences, there’s no incentive to change.
It Creates Resentment
We give, give, give — and then feel bitter when nothing changes. That bitterness can poison relationships we’re trying so hard to save.
It Keeps Us Stuck Too
By focusing all our energy outward, we often neglect our own lives, health, goals, and happiness.
What To Do Instead
Let’s be practical. Here’s how to step off the fixer treadmill — without abandoning your loved one.
1. Recognise the Pattern
The first step is admitting it’s happening.
Ask yourself:
“Am I taking responsibility for something that isn’t mine to solve?”
Check your language:
- “I have to help him get sober.”
- “If I don’t fix this, she’ll fail.”
- “They’d be lost without me.”
These are red flags that you’ve stepped into fixer territory.
2. Understand the Illusion of Control
Here’s a hard truth: You cannot control another adult’s choices, no matter how persuasive, loving, or determined you are.
Ask:
“What evidence do I have that all my fixing has actually worked?”
Most of the time, we discover:
- The person keeps repeating the same behaviours.
- Our help hasn’t solved the core problem.
- We’re left exhausted and empty.
3. Practise Detachment with Love
Detachment is NOT coldness. It’s choosing to:
- Love someone without controlling them
- Offer support without sacrificing yourself
- Give them dignity to solve their own problems
Try saying:
“I love you, and I believe you’ll figure this out. I can’t solve it for you.”
Or:
“I’m worried about how much you’re drinking, but I can’t make you stop. I’m here if you want help.”
4. Let Natural Consequences Happen
This can be excruciating — but it’s essential.
- If someone overspends, don’t cover their bills.
- If someone drinks and drives, don’t pay their legal fees.
- If someone refuses help, don’t keep offering solutions they’re not ready to accept.
Natural consequences often do what lectures and nagging can’t.
5. Focus Back on Your Own Life
Fixing others can become a full-time job — and we lose ourselves in the process.
Ask:
- “What hobbies or passions have I put on hold?”
- “What goals matter to me personally?”
- “What kind of friendships, fun, and rest do I want in my life?”
Start taking small steps to rebuild your world, one piece at a time.
6. Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are vital. They’re not mean or selfish — they’re protective.
Examples:
- “I’m not comfortable lending you more money.”
- “I love you, but I can’t keep having this same conversation every day.”
- “If you come over drunk, I’ll ask you to leave.”
Boundaries don’t guarantee your loved one will change — but they do protect you.
7. Seek Support
This journey can feel lonely. Find spaces where you can share your story without judgement.
- Al-Anon or Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)
- Therapy or coaching
- Online communities for partners/family of those struggling
- Trusted friends who won’t try to “fix you back”
8. Be Kind to Yourself
Above all, remember:
- You didn’t cause your loved one’s problems.
- You can’t cure them.
- You can’t control them.
Stepping back isn’t giving up — it’s giving both of you the best chance for growth.
A Quick Example: Language Shift
Old fixer script:
“I’ve sorted your appointment. I’ll drive you. You need to go.”
New healthy script:
“I believe you’re capable of handling this. Let me know if you’d like help figuring out the steps.”
The Good News
Letting go of fixing doesn’t mean you stop loving the people you care about. It means you stop sacrificing yourself trying to carry their load.
Because sometimes, the most loving thing you can do…
…is to step back.
And in that space, both of you might finally have room to heal.
Are you tired of feeling responsible for everyone else’s happiness?
Join me for insights, tools, and real talk on how to support the people you love — without losing yourself in the process. Subscribe to my newsletter or Explore my upcoming online coaching program today.
